Check out this lame stuff that used to be my digital elevator speech:

I am a Loyal, self-driven and creative individual seeking the opportunity to innovate, lead, and grow. Prolonged experience living abroad in various countries has developed my assessment of global market and human behavior. Past leadership positions, an ability to analyze and synthesize complex data, advanced technological skills and a rich knowledge of languages and cultures make me an prime candidate for employment which requires absolute attention, precision, troubleshooting and problem solving.

My expertise at the intersection of global religious knowledge, technology and non-profits is valuable for anyone seeking a strong, ethics-driven solution finder. I would be a particular asset to major philanthropic efforts, web design and CMS customization, emerging forms of digital religious devotion, innovative print media, guiding groups through foreign countries for business & tourism, forward-thinking e-commerce start-ups, global commodity importing/exporting, disaster relief planning and international relations-building.

Lord have mercy. I can’t even read it anymore. The adjectives are embarrassing. Where is my medal for innovative print media contributions? I might as well have invented a cheap way to desalinate water in the Dead Sea! Christ have mercy. I’m very happily employed now, by the way.